Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Dana Gould! GOT to get it on! No choice but to!

Dana Gould, the master of Hitler trivia, being afraid of animals and sexual rumors.

Adam starts off the podcast controversially, by stating that after watching Robert De Niro on Jimmy Fallon's show, he wonders if De Niro is just dumb. He points out that plenty of athletes have an immense gift on the field, but that's where it all ends. Dana Gould, tonight's guest, points out that plenty of people are like that. For example, Hitler loved dogs! If you needed someone to watch your dogs for the weekend, then Hitler would have no problem taking care of Waffles.

Surprisingly, Adam has been to many museums, such as the Liberace museum and the bunny museum, which is also shockingly about the animal and not Playboy. Somehow, this segues into Dana pointing out that for some reason, if a chimpanzee is threatened, first it breaks your jaw, and then it destroys your genitals. Chimps are very afraid of being raped, apparently. Dana says chimps attack for the same reason that old people do - they're very cranky about being in a diaper. This violent chimp story was in the news lately.

Adam and Dana both confirm that animal trainers are often much, mucher scarier than the animals they're keeping track of. I'm reminded of the scene in Semi-Pro (NSFW), with the bear wrangler. A police dog was once attacking Adam for a Man Show skit, and Adam asked the trainer what kind of fail safes were in place. The trainer's response was that there was no off-switch on the killing machine.

For some reason, Adam and Dana both have stories about snakes. Dana was in Austin, Texas, and they had some rattlesnake wrestlers at a radio spot, and Dana hates snakes. Meanwhile, the trainers... If Dana had been doing a remake of Deliverance, he would have had to tell them, "Sorry, that's a little over the top."

Dana adds that Siegfried and Roy are back (actually, final show March 1), so ladies hide your daughters! Adam loves watching old news footage, and hearing about how Liberace and Charles Nelson Reilly and Paul Lynde were all eligible bachelors. Apparently, guy's sucking each others' cocks (Adam's words, roughly) wasn't around back then.

Dana wonders how nobody noticed that "Jailhouse Rock" was about prison sodomy. Adam points out that the end of "Start Me Up" by the Rolling Stones includes the lyrics "you make a dead man cum," whereas on Jimmy Kimmel Live he got bleeped for saying bejesus once. When he was a kid, Dana had to debate his friends about oral sex, why people got it, and Dana was insistent that that was how retarded children were made. Adam re-tells the story about his grandma asking at the dinner table about rim jobs.

This sparks a frank, open discussion about sexual practices. Adam knows there are no women who masturbate while thinking about men masturbating, while the opposite (men whacking it to thinking about women touching themselves) is enough for 99 percent of guys. (I just finished up typing that, actually.) With the Internet now (NSFW), Adam says there is less need to spread out 15 different porn magazines to wank to; Dana calls that the Amsterdam rainbow.

Other topics for discussion: How people who love animals don't have love left over for humans, Joel's foggy night at Liberace's house, Adam yelling at The Weaz six times to turn the mics up, Oprah and Molly and Lynette and snake bites, kerchief math, the invention of the rim job, unfortunate masturbation timing, the spread of sexual rumors (Rod Stewart having his stomach pumped of cum) before the Internet, the pregnant dude and O.J. Simpson. Last week's Dave Dameshek podcast got more than 500,000 downloads. Adam wants everyone to keep spreading the news, so that we can all create our own little pirate ship. Tomorrow's (today's?) guest should be Leo Laporte, but Ace didn't announce it.

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