Ambien and the wanking response

Greg - comedian or balding meth addict?

Tonight's guest is Greg Fitzsimmons, a frequent contributor to Best Week Ever on VH1 and the host of a show on Stern's satellite station. Adam contrasts Greg's behavior with that of Charlie Murphy. Greg will put out, because he knows Adam and he's friends with Adam. Meanwhile, Charlie Murphy will NEVER dance for Adam, because he doesn't watch any of Adam's shows and doesn't know anybody who does. On the podcasts, Greg and Adam have noticed that some people will open up, because they think they're just BS'ing with friends as opposed to on a program that people will care about what they say.

And jeebus, I was joking about Greg with the photo cutline above, but he's poppin' some various pills like candy! He sounded like David Alan Grier calling out for his black children. Greg said he started drinking at 12 and really got into it heavily until 25. He stopped drinking at that point, but he was shaking and having problems focusing then, so he was prescribed anti-anxiety medicine and Adderrall.

Adam has tried Ambien before, but he compares the experience to a snow globe. He'll go on eating binges and not have any memory of it afterward, a la Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Greg says that sometimes, he'll take an Ambien and that settle in and find something on Skinemax to watch. Then his wife will come into bed a few hours later, with him fast asleep, his pants around his ankles and tissues in his hand. Adam compares his masturbating to a serial killer, in that he has to consciously mellow out, otherwise he'll lose control and go on a spree.

Other topics: Societal standards, Donnie / The Weaz jacking off and not clearing the browser window for Adam to find, why Adam watches TMZ and unruly staffers.

Hot mics, hot mics!

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Dana Gould! GOT to get it on! No choice but to!

Dana Gould, the master of Hitler trivia, being afraid of animals and sexual rumors.

Adam starts off the podcast controversially, by stating that after watching Robert De Niro on Jimmy Fallon's show, he wonders if De Niro is just dumb. He points out that plenty of athletes have an immense gift on the field, but that's where it all ends. Dana Gould, tonight's guest, points out that plenty of people are like that. For example, Hitler loved dogs! If you needed someone to watch your dogs for the weekend, then Hitler would have no problem taking care of Waffles.

Surprisingly, Adam has been to many museums, such as the Liberace museum and the bunny museum, which is also shockingly about the animal and not Playboy. Somehow, this segues into Dana pointing out that for some reason, if a chimpanzee is threatened, first it breaks your jaw, and then it destroys your genitals. Chimps are very afraid of being raped, apparently. Dana says chimps attack for the same reason that old people do - they're very cranky about being in a diaper. This violent chimp story was in the news lately.

Adam and Dana both confirm that animal trainers are often much, mucher scarier than the animals they're keeping track of. I'm reminded of the scene in Semi-Pro (NSFW), with the bear wrangler. A police dog was once attacking Adam for a Man Show skit, and Adam asked the trainer what kind of fail safes were in place. The trainer's response was that there was no off-switch on the killing machine.

For some reason, Adam and Dana both have stories about snakes. Dana was in Austin, Texas, and they had some rattlesnake wrestlers at a radio spot, and Dana hates snakes. Meanwhile, the trainers... If Dana had been doing a remake of Deliverance, he would have had to tell them, "Sorry, that's a little over the top."

Dana adds that Siegfried and Roy are back (actually, final show March 1), so ladies hide your daughters! Adam loves watching old news footage, and hearing about how Liberace and Charles Nelson Reilly and Paul Lynde were all eligible bachelors. Apparently, guy's sucking each others' cocks (Adam's words, roughly) wasn't around back then.

Dana wonders how nobody noticed that "Jailhouse Rock" was about prison sodomy. Adam points out that the end of "Start Me Up" by the Rolling Stones includes the lyrics "you make a dead man cum," whereas on Jimmy Kimmel Live he got bleeped for saying bejesus once. When he was a kid, Dana had to debate his friends about oral sex, why people got it, and Dana was insistent that that was how retarded children were made. Adam re-tells the story about his grandma asking at the dinner table about rim jobs.

This sparks a frank, open discussion about sexual practices. Adam knows there are no women who masturbate while thinking about men masturbating, while the opposite (men whacking it to thinking about women touching themselves) is enough for 99 percent of guys. (I just finished up typing that, actually.) With the Internet now (NSFW), Adam says there is less need to spread out 15 different porn magazines to wank to; Dana calls that the Amsterdam rainbow.

Other topics for discussion: How people who love animals don't have love left over for humans, Joel's foggy night at Liberace's house, Adam yelling at The Weaz six times to turn the mics up, Oprah and Molly and Lynette and snake bites, kerchief math, the invention of the rim job, unfortunate masturbation timing, the spread of sexual rumors (Rod Stewart having his stomach pumped of cum) before the Internet, the pregnant dude and O.J. Simpson. Last week's Dave Dameshek podcast got more than 500,000 downloads. Adam wants everyone to keep spreading the news, so that we can all create our own little pirate ship. Tomorrow's (today's?) guest should be Leo Laporte, but Ace didn't announce it.

More carefully crafted Carolla-esque cruft!

Minka says, "Adam is number one."

Combing the web for more Carolla-related news, until the podcast drops (hopefully) late tonight...

- According to himself, Leo Laporte will be a guest on the podcast this Wednesday with Adam. Leo is a technology guru, so it should be pretty interesting to hear him with Adam, who is always interested to hear about how gadgets work. Also, Leo is originally from Providence, R.I., according to Wiki. Woohoo! Go Rhody!

- Remember how upset Adam got about the octo-mom? Well don't worry! She has a $1 million dollar offer to do a porno from Vivid. Oh wait, it gets better, as their plan for the shoot would have her in eight scenes with eight different men. All class, all class. The only thing worse than a poor mom having eight kids is that poor mom suddenly getting a million bucks because she became a porn star. Good times! There is also info in that story about Kim Kardashian's fat ass not being photographed, literally, if you're into that.

- The bad news: Alcohol consumption can lead to an increased risk of cancer. Good news: Only for women! Woohoo, drink up Ace Man! That means more booze for you. The study was done by Oxford, which is kind of a well-known place over in England. A little better than junior, junior, junior, junior, junior, junior college.

- There is a quick blurb shout-out for Carolla at, of all places, Cleveland.com here.

- Showing that no celebrity is too small or too far away from the A-List, Celebrity Baby Blog has an entry on... Teresa Strasser. They do include a few things I never knew, such as that she was considered for a spot on The View, and the real name of Batman, who is an accountant for IBM. I guess that's public knowledge now. Teresa blogged about The View opening here, saying that the producers also wanted someone likely to get preggerz. Like, seriously? Really?

- And finally, in news that will make Adam contemplate suicide, Medea Goes to Jail edged out Jonas Brothers: The 3-D Concert Experience at the box office this weekend. Medea earned $16.5 million, while Jonas took home $12.7 million. Total gross of The Hammer - $443,591.

Anywho. A new podcast should be coming out sometime in the next 24 hours, if the Sunday to Thursday production schedule is still intact. Expect to see a post sometime soon after that. Lates!