"Blah blah blah blah blah" news

Probably tried to go through a red left-hand turn arrow,
because we know that's the most dangerous driving maneuver in the world.

Combing and slumming around the web for links...

- Adam will be appearing at the L.A. Comedy Shorts Festival, according to a bunch of web sites, such as this one. Sounds like it could be fun! It starts tomorrow, and runs for a couple days; a full pass to all the events is $100. According to indie Wire, Carolla is the host of the event, and Bobcat Goldthwait will be presented with an award by Tom Kenny, a.k.a. the voice of SpongeBob.

- Since Dana Gould is a fan of random Hitler trivia, I found some for the blog today: he loved to read and owned more than 16,000 books. Sure, most of them were racist propaganda, but hey, we can't judge.

- Frequent Carolla guest Joel McHale killed at a recent performance in Minnesota. There is also a good picture gallery at that link.

- In some lab tests involving monkeys, it seems like a new vaginal gel could help prevent the spread of HIV. To be honest though, Adam would stop reading that sentence once he got to "vaginal gel."

- Somewhat late, but this dude gave a nice shout-out to Carolla in his post last week. Also nice to see a dozen or so comments on the entry.

- In the "so fucked up it HAS to be Florida" category, I give you the curious case of Donnie Hendrix. The story takes place in Miami, and the first paragraph says it all: Donnie was sick of waiting. Dolled-up like a Southern beauty queen, she wore Barbie-blond hair and a pink collagen pout as she sat in the parking lot of a Miramar condo. The five-foot-ten 32-year-old eyed the clock from the passenger seat of a rented green Chevy van just after 7 p.m. March 20, 2001. With her pert double-D breasts and slow, saccharine drawl, she could have passed for a South Florida trophy wife — if she hadn't been born with a penis.

- But hey, what would one of these posts be without some REAL stripper news? Click here for news about Kanye West and his new stripper girlfriend, who sounds so hideous I'm glad a photo isn't included. A former male stripper is charged with 23 offenses against 14 women from Oct. 2006 to February 2008; he allegedly lured the women into the back of his cab by claiming that he had just won the lottery, and then "celebrated" with them by using tainted champagne. (I'm just shocked that was in a London paper and not Florida.) Here is a detailed question and answer between a reporter and a longtime striptease expert. And hey, Britney Spears is on tour!

There should be a new podcast later tonight, although I'm not sure if we'll blog about it right away, or more delayed like today's Dana Gould post.

Dana Gould! GOT to get it on! No choice but to!

Dana Gould, the master of Hitler trivia, being afraid of animals and sexual rumors.

Adam starts off the podcast controversially, by stating that after watching Robert De Niro on Jimmy Fallon's show, he wonders if De Niro is just dumb. He points out that plenty of athletes have an immense gift on the field, but that's where it all ends. Dana Gould, tonight's guest, points out that plenty of people are like that. For example, Hitler loved dogs! If you needed someone to watch your dogs for the weekend, then Hitler would have no problem taking care of Waffles.

Surprisingly, Adam has been to many museums, such as the Liberace museum and the bunny museum, which is also shockingly about the animal and not Playboy. Somehow, this segues into Dana pointing out that for some reason, if a chimpanzee is threatened, first it breaks your jaw, and then it destroys your genitals. Chimps are very afraid of being raped, apparently. Dana says chimps attack for the same reason that old people do - they're very cranky about being in a diaper. This violent chimp story was in the news lately.

Adam and Dana both confirm that animal trainers are often much, mucher scarier than the animals they're keeping track of. I'm reminded of the scene in Semi-Pro (NSFW), with the bear wrangler. A police dog was once attacking Adam for a Man Show skit, and Adam asked the trainer what kind of fail safes were in place. The trainer's response was that there was no off-switch on the killing machine.

For some reason, Adam and Dana both have stories about snakes. Dana was in Austin, Texas, and they had some rattlesnake wrestlers at a radio spot, and Dana hates snakes. Meanwhile, the trainers... If Dana had been doing a remake of Deliverance, he would have had to tell them, "Sorry, that's a little over the top."

Dana adds that Siegfried and Roy are back (actually, final show March 1), so ladies hide your daughters! Adam loves watching old news footage, and hearing about how Liberace and Charles Nelson Reilly and Paul Lynde were all eligible bachelors. Apparently, guy's sucking each others' cocks (Adam's words, roughly) wasn't around back then.

Dana wonders how nobody noticed that "Jailhouse Rock" was about prison sodomy. Adam points out that the end of "Start Me Up" by the Rolling Stones includes the lyrics "you make a dead man cum," whereas on Jimmy Kimmel Live he got bleeped for saying bejesus once. When he was a kid, Dana had to debate his friends about oral sex, why people got it, and Dana was insistent that that was how retarded children were made. Adam re-tells the story about his grandma asking at the dinner table about rim jobs.

This sparks a frank, open discussion about sexual practices. Adam knows there are no women who masturbate while thinking about men masturbating, while the opposite (men whacking it to thinking about women touching themselves) is enough for 99 percent of guys. (I just finished up typing that, actually.) With the Internet now (NSFW), Adam says there is less need to spread out 15 different porn magazines to wank to; Dana calls that the Amsterdam rainbow.

Other topics for discussion: How people who love animals don't have love left over for humans, Joel's foggy night at Liberace's house, Adam yelling at The Weaz six times to turn the mics up, Oprah and Molly and Lynette and snake bites, kerchief math, the invention of the rim job, unfortunate masturbation timing, the spread of sexual rumors (Rod Stewart having his stomach pumped of cum) before the Internet, the pregnant dude and O.J. Simpson. Last week's Dave Dameshek podcast got more than 500,000 downloads. Adam wants everyone to keep spreading the news, so that we can all create our own little pirate ship. Tomorrow's (today's?) guest should be Leo Laporte, but Ace didn't announce it.

Carolla Cruft - Eff you Colorado, Vermont and Delaware

We're the #1 blog devoted to The Adam Carolla Podcast!
p.s.b.s.s.g.s. - p.s. Bill Simmons says Go Sox!

First, peeling back the curtain a bit on this blog, I'd like to thank the 1,195 visitors we've had the past week. Truly, you've helped to make a blog spun-off a podcast created by a guy fired from his morning show job that he initially got by talking to kids about masturbation for so many years. We are 0.074% as popular as Adam's podcast.

But, I'm not thanking anyone from Colorado, Vermont or Delaware. We haven't had any visitors from those three states, so really, what's the deal? Not Carolla fans? You should be, Colorado - You're famous for the Kobe Bryant trial, and Adam sure does like rape. Delaware, you're understandable, since you have a god damn tollbooth setup at your state border. As for Vermont, well, maybe it's maple syrup season.

Anyway, to paraphrase Pulp Fiction, let's stop sucking each other's dicks here. On to the Carolla related news...

- Dana Gould is the guest tomorrow (or later tonight, depending on your time zone and downloading time), and he does have a new stand-up DVD coming out on March 24. An early, positive review can be found here. You can pre-order Let Me Put My Thoughts In You at Amazon here.

- And hey, Dana goes hand in hand with another celebrity: Huell Howser. Apparently, his segment on a disgusting-sounding drink (coffee and a jelly donut, literally) helped to increase its popularity. No idea if ladybugs or the Baghdad Cafe are similarly exploding in popularity.

- Last night, Kimmel had on the latest Bachelor dude, and grilled him severely for picking one girl, then changing his mind and choosing the other. The full story and a YouTube of the appearance is available off The Insider's site. (Yes, I feel dirty linking to it too.) It really is worth checking out though, especially Kimmel's response to Bachelor douchebag's assertion that he'll still be friends with the dame he dumped.

- In other late night news, Jimmy Fallon debuted tonight. Reviews in the blogosphere were somewhat mixed, with Carolla punching bags Entertainment Weekly saying he was too nervous, while The Chicago Tribune basically said he sucked. For what it's worth, I thought Fallon was okay, and much better than I thought he'd be. His first show was much, much better than Conan's, which is floating around on the Internet if you're torrent-savvy. There is a breakdown of Kimmel, Fallon and Craig Ferguson at TV Guide, and it seems like Ferguson is the heavy favorite, based on the early viewer polls.

- Because Adam has been focused on poop talk lately, I bring you this story. The most relevant sentence: Willis brought one day of his August 2006 trial to a notorious close when he smeared his own feces on a table and chair and threw some on the floor. Good times, good times.

- And finally, Carolla buddy Larry Miller opened up for his friend Jerry Seinfeld last week in Florida, and his 20-minute set was well-received.

As mentioned earlier, Dana Gould will be tonight's (tomorrow's?) guest on the podcast, so until then...

That's important to me!

Larry Miller is tonight's guest, not to be confused with Mr. Belding.
One is happily married, while the other is still trying to bag coeds.

Adam starts by revealing that last week's downloads combined for 1.6 million downloads. Yay!

He then moves on to talk to tonight's guest, Larry Miller. He is not this guy, thankfully, who just died. He is this guy. You can purchase his book for $0.01 (plus shipping) on Amazon.com. Larry is a pretty polarizing figure among Carolla fans, but really, he has at least one great routine - the five stages of drinking. Somewhere, Bald Bryan just instinctively reached for a button to press, and finding none, a small, single tear rolled down his cheek.

Adam and Larry talk mostly about their similar backgrounds, and the coddling of kids, to start the podcast. They both talk at length about Pop Warner football and Little League, which evokes George Carlin's famous routine in my mind.

About 25 minutes in, it sounds like Larry punches the mic, but he doesn't get admonished for it. He does it again a bit later.

... To be honest, I was kind of going in and out with this podcast, and it's definitely the weakest effort so far. It's not so much a discussion of funny, more of a meeting of the minds between two men who grew up in a certain era. If Adam is a philosopher-warrior, and the funny aspects arise from his combative, warrior-like nature, then this podcast is definitely heavy on the philosophy with Larry Miller. Topics discussed include the difference in societal values from the 1970s and now, how awesome car air conditioning is, and how grateful Adam is for all of his minions following him over to this podcasting thing.

Other guests this week - Dana Gould and Norm MacDonald, along with Leo on Wednesday. Woohoo!

Mahalo! Is Adam Crackeola there?

So, you might have heard that the Ace Man's morning show was canceled. Fear not though - he is filling the void (good name for T's V) with his own podcast. And this is the blog that will attempt to archive and summarize that glorious creation. To borrow the words of a great man from Pittsburgh, Pee-A, LET IT BEGIN!

Ironically, there is almost no chance that Adam has read this.

Ace starts out by explaining some of the problems he had with Jack Silver. Apparently, Jack never really listened to Loveline, in which he might have noticed that Adam constantly made fun of stupid "lightning round" jocks that gave the weather, news and traffic constantly. Jack also hated Dana Gould, and Dameshek's "Mr. Sheldrake" voice, and basically anything else you might have enjoyed that Adam ever did. Oh, but he loved Danny Bonaduce and his knack for embellishing. And Jack Silver never gave a shit about anything but performance in L.A. Outside of that though, he and Adam never had problems with one another.

What CAN Adam complain about? All the photographers from TMZ at the airport. How the hell do they get clearance to be there? If you have to take off your shoes to get on the friggin' plane, then why are all these A-holes allowed to stand in the airport when they have no legitimate reason for being there?

Other topics touched on this podcast - the latest potential Eddie Murphy project, why The Adam Carolla Show failed, more on Jack Silver and Loveline executvies, and much much more fun! Tomorrow, Dr. Drew in the hiz-zay!