Dana Gould! GOT to get it on! No choice but to!

Dana Gould, the master of Hitler trivia, being afraid of animals and sexual rumors.

Adam starts off the podcast controversially, by stating that after watching Robert De Niro on Jimmy Fallon's show, he wonders if De Niro is just dumb. He points out that plenty of athletes have an immense gift on the field, but that's where it all ends. Dana Gould, tonight's guest, points out that plenty of people are like that. For example, Hitler loved dogs! If you needed someone to watch your dogs for the weekend, then Hitler would have no problem taking care of Waffles.

Surprisingly, Adam has been to many museums, such as the Liberace museum and the bunny museum, which is also shockingly about the animal and not Playboy. Somehow, this segues into Dana pointing out that for some reason, if a chimpanzee is threatened, first it breaks your jaw, and then it destroys your genitals. Chimps are very afraid of being raped, apparently. Dana says chimps attack for the same reason that old people do - they're very cranky about being in a diaper. This violent chimp story was in the news lately.

Adam and Dana both confirm that animal trainers are often much, mucher scarier than the animals they're keeping track of. I'm reminded of the scene in Semi-Pro (NSFW), with the bear wrangler. A police dog was once attacking Adam for a Man Show skit, and Adam asked the trainer what kind of fail safes were in place. The trainer's response was that there was no off-switch on the killing machine.

For some reason, Adam and Dana both have stories about snakes. Dana was in Austin, Texas, and they had some rattlesnake wrestlers at a radio spot, and Dana hates snakes. Meanwhile, the trainers... If Dana had been doing a remake of Deliverance, he would have had to tell them, "Sorry, that's a little over the top."

Dana adds that Siegfried and Roy are back (actually, final show March 1), so ladies hide your daughters! Adam loves watching old news footage, and hearing about how Liberace and Charles Nelson Reilly and Paul Lynde were all eligible bachelors. Apparently, guy's sucking each others' cocks (Adam's words, roughly) wasn't around back then.

Dana wonders how nobody noticed that "Jailhouse Rock" was about prison sodomy. Adam points out that the end of "Start Me Up" by the Rolling Stones includes the lyrics "you make a dead man cum," whereas on Jimmy Kimmel Live he got bleeped for saying bejesus once. When he was a kid, Dana had to debate his friends about oral sex, why people got it, and Dana was insistent that that was how retarded children were made. Adam re-tells the story about his grandma asking at the dinner table about rim jobs.

This sparks a frank, open discussion about sexual practices. Adam knows there are no women who masturbate while thinking about men masturbating, while the opposite (men whacking it to thinking about women touching themselves) is enough for 99 percent of guys. (I just finished up typing that, actually.) With the Internet now (NSFW), Adam says there is less need to spread out 15 different porn magazines to wank to; Dana calls that the Amsterdam rainbow.

Other topics for discussion: How people who love animals don't have love left over for humans, Joel's foggy night at Liberace's house, Adam yelling at The Weaz six times to turn the mics up, Oprah and Molly and Lynette and snake bites, kerchief math, the invention of the rim job, unfortunate masturbation timing, the spread of sexual rumors (Rod Stewart having his stomach pumped of cum) before the Internet, the pregnant dude and O.J. Simpson. Last week's Dave Dameshek podcast got more than 500,000 downloads. Adam wants everyone to keep spreading the news, so that we can all create our own little pirate ship. Tomorrow's (today's?) guest should be Leo Laporte, but Ace didn't announce it.

Carolla Cruft - Eff you Colorado, Vermont and Delaware

We're the #1 blog devoted to The Adam Carolla Podcast!
p.s.b.s.s.g.s. - p.s. Bill Simmons says Go Sox!

First, peeling back the curtain a bit on this blog, I'd like to thank the 1,195 visitors we've had the past week. Truly, you've helped to make a blog spun-off a podcast created by a guy fired from his morning show job that he initially got by talking to kids about masturbation for so many years. We are 0.074% as popular as Adam's podcast.

But, I'm not thanking anyone from Colorado, Vermont or Delaware. We haven't had any visitors from those three states, so really, what's the deal? Not Carolla fans? You should be, Colorado - You're famous for the Kobe Bryant trial, and Adam sure does like rape. Delaware, you're understandable, since you have a god damn tollbooth setup at your state border. As for Vermont, well, maybe it's maple syrup season.

Anyway, to paraphrase Pulp Fiction, let's stop sucking each other's dicks here. On to the Carolla related news...

- Dana Gould is the guest tomorrow (or later tonight, depending on your time zone and downloading time), and he does have a new stand-up DVD coming out on March 24. An early, positive review can be found here. You can pre-order Let Me Put My Thoughts In You at Amazon here.

- And hey, Dana goes hand in hand with another celebrity: Huell Howser. Apparently, his segment on a disgusting-sounding drink (coffee and a jelly donut, literally) helped to increase its popularity. No idea if ladybugs or the Baghdad Cafe are similarly exploding in popularity.

- Last night, Kimmel had on the latest Bachelor dude, and grilled him severely for picking one girl, then changing his mind and choosing the other. The full story and a YouTube of the appearance is available off The Insider's site. (Yes, I feel dirty linking to it too.) It really is worth checking out though, especially Kimmel's response to Bachelor douchebag's assertion that he'll still be friends with the dame he dumped.

- In other late night news, Jimmy Fallon debuted tonight. Reviews in the blogosphere were somewhat mixed, with Carolla punching bags Entertainment Weekly saying he was too nervous, while The Chicago Tribune basically said he sucked. For what it's worth, I thought Fallon was okay, and much better than I thought he'd be. His first show was much, much better than Conan's, which is floating around on the Internet if you're torrent-savvy. There is a breakdown of Kimmel, Fallon and Craig Ferguson at TV Guide, and it seems like Ferguson is the heavy favorite, based on the early viewer polls.

- Because Adam has been focused on poop talk lately, I bring you this story. The most relevant sentence: Willis brought one day of his August 2006 trial to a notorious close when he smeared his own feces on a table and chair and threw some on the floor. Good times, good times.

- And finally, Carolla buddy Larry Miller opened up for his friend Jerry Seinfeld last week in Florida, and his 20-minute set was well-received.

As mentioned earlier, Dana Gould will be tonight's (tomorrow's?) guest on the podcast, so until then...

Crazy Carolla crew content!

The scourge of Adam Carolla.

Looking around the web for Carolla-related content and rants...

- Adam should try to avoid Scottsdale, Ari. for the time being. They don't like his kind on their streets. Chicken-S and all that.

- The headline of this story is good enough to link to it: Mayor who killed dogs gets standing ovation. Unfortunately, the story itself is a little less scandalous.

- T.O. Whenham (that can't possibly be his real name, right?) handicaps this season's Dancing with the Stars right here. He puts DAG at +1000, but in his "Live Longshots" category, because he is a classically-trained Broadway performer. Unsurprisingly, the Olympic gymnast Shawn Johnson is the favorite, at +150. DAG ranks ninth out of the 11 person field.

- This New York Times article is mostly about Jimmy Fallon taking over Conan's show, but he does give a shout-out to Kimmel in the middle. A fairly good read overall, though.

- And on the lighter side of things, to close up, the headline says it all for this story as well: Man makes chainsaw noise with an air hose and his buttcrack. I figured it was appropriate, given all the ass, carbuncle and hemmeroid talk on the podcast this week.

The Tom Brady Love Hour

Dear Ace Man, Tom Brady, is the best, quarterback, in the NFL...

If you can't tell from the title of tonight's entry, Bill Simmons of ESPN.com is the podcast guest tonight. They jump right into things by comparing the size of their podcast wangs - Adam has already surpassed one million total downloads, woohoo! He gives a shout-out to all of his loyal minions.

They jump in immediately with talk of YouPorn, and then Ferris Bueller. Bill and Adam rightly bring up that Ferris, the most popular kid in school, wouldn't really hang out with Cameron, the depressed loser. He would be busy banging his hot girlfriend. Then, they pitch the greatest made-up independent movie ever, Harvey Milk Junior High, starring Shia LaBeouf, who pretends to be gay to attend an all-gay school. I would say more, but I don't want to spoil all the surprises.

Adam also says Fast Break is definitely in the Top 10 of Gabe Kaplan movies. The other nine are probably all clip show DVDs of Battle of the Network Stars.

Adam is going to a buffet tomorrow with a card system - If the card is on one side, they keep bringing the beef. Bill says this commonly wrecks Cousin Sal, as he has too much pride to ever turn the card over. Adam says they really need to extend this system to strippers, and re-tells the tale about how David Alan Grier once got a stripper who had been stabbed 18 times by her ex-husband. Bill says when he's done, he normally tries to encircle himself with chairs - a chair armada or offensive line preventing entry to his junk.

Podcast re-enactment: (Bill) I'm surprised they don't show more of the bathroom parts on Survivor. (Adam) I don't watch Survivor. (Bill, surprised) Really? I thought you loved Survivor! (Adam) Oh sorry, I thought we were talking about Lost.

Donnie talks about editing on Big Brother, but because he isn't mic'ed properly, we can't hear it. Adam and Bill laugh uproariously about it ;_; Adam and Bill think some guy will make a million dollars by releasing a tape of all the hot broads on Survivor being all naked.

Other topics for discussion: Bathroom etiquette, ass-talk, the YouPorn sweet spot, the worst bathroom scenes, how to guarantee an Oscar win, Survivor bathroom talk and how satellite radio will be killed by podcasts. Adam says he's still trying to get Norm MacDonald in for a podcast, especially to hear more about Norm's classic story - he had sex with one of his best friend's wife, while his friend was mowing the lawn, and it was anal sex. Holy hell! Bill puts in a request for Jim Norton, and Adam says that Kimmel, Dana Gould and Joel McHale are all on the future guest list.

Holy hell! Ace and Dameshek! (And no Simmons!)

My oh my, look at this handsome devil. Wait - Ladies, don't look too closely. He's taken.

The podcast with Dave Dameshek starts off swimmingly, as he and Adam immediately plunge into his issues with Teresa Strasser. Dave said he's amazed T is pregnant, because he didn't think that could happen after menopause. Dave offers magnanimously to have a "clearing of the air" broadcast someday with T. His magnificent pipes are still in working order, despite a minor cold.

Adam and Dave talk about how they originally ran into problems with Jack Silver about ratings, and the whole history behind his firing. Dave was replaced by Bonaduce, who Adam points out has a "near encyclopedic knowledge of sports." Practically the same guy!

Dave brings up that the station was marketing itself as "the man station" yet had no sports guy. Adam says this reminds him of one of the few poignant things Drew said, namely, about Pam Anderson being a female-female impersonator. He likens that type of woman to the super macho male-male impersonator, such as Bonaduce. Dave mentions that he found certain parts of Eastern Promises very inappropriate because of this.

And holy hell, Tom Cruise came over to Kimmel's for football??? Really? Wow. Of course, Ace says it was at 3:47 in the afternoon, so he's obviously a big fan. Both agree that all of the A-list male celebrities - Cruise, Johnny Depp, George Clooney - are unfortunately beautiful bastards. To make it worse, guys like Depp grow their hair long and smear feces all over their face, and women still want them. Meanwhile, Ace points out that if a woman did that, a man would no longer be interested. Both are utterly revolted by HBO's Real Sex program.

Near the end of the podcast, Dave re-tells one of his great stories - Attending a Lamaze class with his beautiful wife Cindy and finding out his ex-girlfriend was in the very same class. Good times, good times. Ace is pissed that the seemingly simple "colored hat" system of child identification has also S'ed the bed. Dave and Adam set the podcast's early length record with more than 55 minutes of the funny.

Other topics for discussion - how certain things are gay, how some female celebrities are much foxier in person, male body hair, horrible Nicholas Cage movies, female trucker attractiveness > female sex expert, and Adam Carolla's Junk v. HBO's Real Sex. Adam doesn't state who's next on the podcast, but future guests will include Bill Simmons, Larry Miller and Norm MacDonald. So, to close this post, the greatest appearance on a talk show ever-ever was by Norm here, here and here.