Ambien and the wanking response

Greg - comedian or balding meth addict?

Tonight's guest is Greg Fitzsimmons, a frequent contributor to Best Week Ever on VH1 and the host of a show on Stern's satellite station. Adam contrasts Greg's behavior with that of Charlie Murphy. Greg will put out, because he knows Adam and he's friends with Adam. Meanwhile, Charlie Murphy will NEVER dance for Adam, because he doesn't watch any of Adam's shows and doesn't know anybody who does. On the podcasts, Greg and Adam have noticed that some people will open up, because they think they're just BS'ing with friends as opposed to on a program that people will care about what they say.

And jeebus, I was joking about Greg with the photo cutline above, but he's poppin' some various pills like candy! He sounded like David Alan Grier calling out for his black children. Greg said he started drinking at 12 and really got into it heavily until 25. He stopped drinking at that point, but he was shaking and having problems focusing then, so he was prescribed anti-anxiety medicine and Adderrall.

Adam has tried Ambien before, but he compares the experience to a snow globe. He'll go on eating binges and not have any memory of it afterward, a la Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Greg says that sometimes, he'll take an Ambien and that settle in and find something on Skinemax to watch. Then his wife will come into bed a few hours later, with him fast asleep, his pants around his ankles and tissues in his hand. Adam compares his masturbating to a serial killer, in that he has to consciously mellow out, otherwise he'll lose control and go on a spree.

Other topics: Societal standards, Donnie / The Weaz jacking off and not clearing the browser window for Adam to find, why Adam watches TMZ and unruly staffers.

Hot mics, hot mics!

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WOOOOOO!!! Twinkie hole, baby!

How does DAG sound making love?

"Don't, you, look at me, I will, bust, your, behind... zzzzzz...."

Tonight's guest is... David. Alan. Grier! Adam's main man! And they're on firm, warm ground to start, talking about baby poo. David says he's uncomfortable cleaning his daughter's vagine (not named Estradial) of poop, and Adam agrees, since they've been worshiping that part of the anatomy for too many years. It's just weird and uncomfortable for them, like sex in the back of a Volkswagon.

This switches to a chat about DAG's childhood years, which Adam has never gotten into that much. DAG never realized that his father was miserable, but he realizes it now as he reviews pictures.

Weaze gets on the mic to stall for time while Adam goes to look for some pictures of his own mother, and although he tells him this, there are about 10 seconds of dead air... And Lynette (Adam's wife) gets on the mic! Her voice actually sounds much more normal than on The Adam Carolla Show and The Adam Carolla Project. She says Adam's dad had a huge afro in the pictures, and then Adam's agent, James "Babydoll" Dixon gets in the room, but doesn't get on the mic. Adam and DAG then talk about the picture for a bit, and as Adam would say to Dr. Drew all the time, it's great radio to be talking about a picture.

When Adam's parents got divorced, they didn't bother to make it official because there was nothing to split up. Adam's dad got into his 1963 Volkswagen bug, and went to crash at his ex-wife's house that they still lived in. DAG's dad... moved from Detroit to San Francisco, and wrote Black Rage, a national bestseller??? Holy hell! DAG said his dad would be on The Merv Griffin Show and banging chicks in orgies. Good lord...

DAG said his dad wore a dashiki around, and because he could rap about politics and The Man, he would get laid constantly. Adam imagines that about 98 percent of the guys in that era talked like that because it was the only way to get laid. DAG tried to join the Black Panthers when he was younger, but they told him to come back when he was a bit older. DAG's dad lives outside of San Diego now, and while they're OK, David says he grew up scared to death, in an intimidating way, of his father. Charles Dutton, the actor, spent time in the joint for manslaughter, and DAG said he was afraid of DAG's dad when they met.

So, DAG e-mailed Drew to get on Loveline at one point, after Adam had left, and tried three times to no avail. Drew said the program director wouldn't allow Davey G. on anymore, and DAG was a little prickly because Drew sort of strung him along about it instead of just telling him. Now, whenever he talks to Drew, DAG needles him about the whole incident. Adam calls BS and says that DAG is acting like a chick. DAG says okay, he'll make up with Dr. Drew.

DAG and Adam then talk about Dancing With the Stars; Adam was voted off last year, and DAG is a competitor this season. He said what constantly held him back was not talking, but trying to explain to Julianne Hough what a whirling dervish is. DAG is dancing with Kym Johnson (left) this season. Adam says that he had to explain to Hough he would only be practicing two to four hours a week because he wasn't trying to fuck her like her past partners. To close up the show, DAG says he doesn't mind practicing so much because it keeps him out of the house with the poopy vagina, bringing the show full circle.

Other topics for discussion - How DAG got started doing comedy, Adam's own crappy roots, how Drew loves ass humor, the a-hole math behind Adam being Adam, how the Kimmel guys screwed over DAG at a playoff Lakers game, and Dancing With The Stars. Tomorrow's guest is Dana Gould, and I do imagine that Huell Howser might be stopping by as well...

That's important to me!

Larry Miller is tonight's guest, not to be confused with Mr. Belding.
One is happily married, while the other is still trying to bag coeds.

Adam starts by revealing that last week's downloads combined for 1.6 million downloads. Yay!

He then moves on to talk to tonight's guest, Larry Miller. He is not this guy, thankfully, who just died. He is this guy. You can purchase his book for $0.01 (plus shipping) on Amazon.com. Larry is a pretty polarizing figure among Carolla fans, but really, he has at least one great routine - the five stages of drinking. Somewhere, Bald Bryan just instinctively reached for a button to press, and finding none, a small, single tear rolled down his cheek.

Adam and Larry talk mostly about their similar backgrounds, and the coddling of kids, to start the podcast. They both talk at length about Pop Warner football and Little League, which evokes George Carlin's famous routine in my mind.

About 25 minutes in, it sounds like Larry punches the mic, but he doesn't get admonished for it. He does it again a bit later.

... To be honest, I was kind of going in and out with this podcast, and it's definitely the weakest effort so far. It's not so much a discussion of funny, more of a meeting of the minds between two men who grew up in a certain era. If Adam is a philosopher-warrior, and the funny aspects arise from his combative, warrior-like nature, then this podcast is definitely heavy on the philosophy with Larry Miller. Topics discussed include the difference in societal values from the 1970s and now, how awesome car air conditioning is, and how grateful Adam is for all of his minions following him over to this podcasting thing.

Other guests this week - Dana Gould and Norm MacDonald, along with Leo on Wednesday. Woohoo!

The Tom Brady Love Hour

Dear Ace Man, Tom Brady, is the best, quarterback, in the NFL...

If you can't tell from the title of tonight's entry, Bill Simmons of ESPN.com is the podcast guest tonight. They jump right into things by comparing the size of their podcast wangs - Adam has already surpassed one million total downloads, woohoo! He gives a shout-out to all of his loyal minions.

They jump in immediately with talk of YouPorn, and then Ferris Bueller. Bill and Adam rightly bring up that Ferris, the most popular kid in school, wouldn't really hang out with Cameron, the depressed loser. He would be busy banging his hot girlfriend. Then, they pitch the greatest made-up independent movie ever, Harvey Milk Junior High, starring Shia LaBeouf, who pretends to be gay to attend an all-gay school. I would say more, but I don't want to spoil all the surprises.

Adam also says Fast Break is definitely in the Top 10 of Gabe Kaplan movies. The other nine are probably all clip show DVDs of Battle of the Network Stars.

Adam is going to a buffet tomorrow with a card system - If the card is on one side, they keep bringing the beef. Bill says this commonly wrecks Cousin Sal, as he has too much pride to ever turn the card over. Adam says they really need to extend this system to strippers, and re-tells the tale about how David Alan Grier once got a stripper who had been stabbed 18 times by her ex-husband. Bill says when he's done, he normally tries to encircle himself with chairs - a chair armada or offensive line preventing entry to his junk.

Podcast re-enactment: (Bill) I'm surprised they don't show more of the bathroom parts on Survivor. (Adam) I don't watch Survivor. (Bill, surprised) Really? I thought you loved Survivor! (Adam) Oh sorry, I thought we were talking about Lost.

Donnie talks about editing on Big Brother, but because he isn't mic'ed properly, we can't hear it. Adam and Bill laugh uproariously about it ;_; Adam and Bill think some guy will make a million dollars by releasing a tape of all the hot broads on Survivor being all naked.

Other topics for discussion: Bathroom etiquette, ass-talk, the YouPorn sweet spot, the worst bathroom scenes, how to guarantee an Oscar win, Survivor bathroom talk and how satellite radio will be killed by podcasts. Adam says he's still trying to get Norm MacDonald in for a podcast, especially to hear more about Norm's classic story - he had sex with one of his best friend's wife, while his friend was mowing the lawn, and it was anal sex. Holy hell! Bill puts in a request for Jim Norton, and Adam says that Kimmel, Dana Gould and Joel McHale are all on the future guest list.

Holy hell! Ace and Dameshek! (And no Simmons!)

My oh my, look at this handsome devil. Wait - Ladies, don't look too closely. He's taken.

The podcast with Dave Dameshek starts off swimmingly, as he and Adam immediately plunge into his issues with Teresa Strasser. Dave said he's amazed T is pregnant, because he didn't think that could happen after menopause. Dave offers magnanimously to have a "clearing of the air" broadcast someday with T. His magnificent pipes are still in working order, despite a minor cold.

Adam and Dave talk about how they originally ran into problems with Jack Silver about ratings, and the whole history behind his firing. Dave was replaced by Bonaduce, who Adam points out has a "near encyclopedic knowledge of sports." Practically the same guy!

Dave brings up that the station was marketing itself as "the man station" yet had no sports guy. Adam says this reminds him of one of the few poignant things Drew said, namely, about Pam Anderson being a female-female impersonator. He likens that type of woman to the super macho male-male impersonator, such as Bonaduce. Dave mentions that he found certain parts of Eastern Promises very inappropriate because of this.

And holy hell, Tom Cruise came over to Kimmel's for football??? Really? Wow. Of course, Ace says it was at 3:47 in the afternoon, so he's obviously a big fan. Both agree that all of the A-list male celebrities - Cruise, Johnny Depp, George Clooney - are unfortunately beautiful bastards. To make it worse, guys like Depp grow their hair long and smear feces all over their face, and women still want them. Meanwhile, Ace points out that if a woman did that, a man would no longer be interested. Both are utterly revolted by HBO's Real Sex program.

Near the end of the podcast, Dave re-tells one of his great stories - Attending a Lamaze class with his beautiful wife Cindy and finding out his ex-girlfriend was in the very same class. Good times, good times. Ace is pissed that the seemingly simple "colored hat" system of child identification has also S'ed the bed. Dave and Adam set the podcast's early length record with more than 55 minutes of the funny.

Other topics for discussion - how certain things are gay, how some female celebrities are much foxier in person, male body hair, horrible Nicholas Cage movies, female trucker attractiveness > female sex expert, and Adam Carolla's Junk v. HBO's Real Sex. Adam doesn't state who's next on the podcast, but future guests will include Bill Simmons, Larry Miller and Norm MacDonald. So, to close this post, the greatest appearance on a talk show ever-ever was by Norm here, here and here.

Back from a four-day vacation!

Not this Trio.

Listen, I don't know if you guys have heard, but Teresa Strasser is pregnant. As a result, she's down from 15 Klonnies a day to just a few cigarettes. (The preceding sentence is accurate.)

And listen, if you thought Teresa was a peach on The Adam Carolla Show, just realize she brought a friend with her to podcast. Not Bald Bryan, although he was there. T brought her hemorrhoid!

But listen, Adam is a professional, and he rolls with the punches. He used to be a boxer, you see, and he has used this experience to his advantage in the past. Once upon a time, he had a carbuncle on his ass, which his buddy Ray convinced him was a hemorrhoid. He spread so much Preperation H on it, it could have helped Dr. Drew's daughter.

Hey listen, Adam says it best - You can't unscrew your anus and put it on the work bench and hammer the problems out of it. It was a very serious and frank discussion, and it lasted about the first 20 minutes.

Okay, listen. The rest of the podcast is about the past program once known as The Adam Carolla Show, Teresa being able to smoke a few cigs even though she's preggers, the staff party taking place at Adam's house, how horrible Jack Silver's "best of" reel was, and the freedom that podcasting provides.

LISTEN! Tomorrow's guests - Dave Dameshek and Bill Simmons. AHHH DIAMOND EARRINGS!!!

p.s. Go Sox!

p.p.s. Go Pats! Boston School of Medicine, best school of medicine in the country!

It's Dr. Drew - Get your bitch spunk drunk!

You like him, you really like him!
Given Adam's horrible childhood, it's still hard for him to believe.

With Dr. Drew in the hiz-zay, there is vintage Loveline-esque electricity in the air. If this was Made Up Movies, then it would be the part where the two lovers awkwardly banter a bit, before passionately embracing and sexing each other up. Thankfully, the mics weren't hot when the sexing took place.

Within two minutes, Adam and Drew have already touched upon how horrible a liar Danny Bonaduce is, two words for Adam's dad (hint: they're not "tuck fu" but rhyme with them) and how horrible Lynette is at following simple directions. This last topic consumes the first significant segment of the podcast, since, well, there is a lot of ground to cover here, especially as it concerns a precious Adam subject - napping.

Adam's hyper-vigilance consumes another 15 minutes of the podcast, and later talk involves his take on the Mexicans, and the Weaz (Wheeze?) even gets on the blower for a bit. Meanwhile, tomorrow, the gang is back in town, as Teresa and Bald Bryan are scheduled to be on the podcast.

Until then, as the Crank Yankers caller says to Drew, "Stay fresh!"

Mahalo! Is Adam Crackeola there?

So, you might have heard that the Ace Man's morning show was canceled. Fear not though - he is filling the void (good name for T's V) with his own podcast. And this is the blog that will attempt to archive and summarize that glorious creation. To borrow the words of a great man from Pittsburgh, Pee-A, LET IT BEGIN!

Ironically, there is almost no chance that Adam has read this.

Ace starts out by explaining some of the problems he had with Jack Silver. Apparently, Jack never really listened to Loveline, in which he might have noticed that Adam constantly made fun of stupid "lightning round" jocks that gave the weather, news and traffic constantly. Jack also hated Dana Gould, and Dameshek's "Mr. Sheldrake" voice, and basically anything else you might have enjoyed that Adam ever did. Oh, but he loved Danny Bonaduce and his knack for embellishing. And Jack Silver never gave a shit about anything but performance in L.A. Outside of that though, he and Adam never had problems with one another.

What CAN Adam complain about? All the photographers from TMZ at the airport. How the hell do they get clearance to be there? If you have to take off your shoes to get on the friggin' plane, then why are all these A-holes allowed to stand in the airport when they have no legitimate reason for being there?

Other topics touched on this podcast - the latest potential Eddie Murphy project, why The Adam Carolla Show failed, more on Jack Silver and Loveline executvies, and much much more fun! Tomorrow, Dr. Drew in the hiz-zay!