"Blah blah blah blah blah" news

Probably tried to go through a red left-hand turn arrow,
because we know that's the most dangerous driving maneuver in the world.

Combing and slumming around the web for links...

- Adam will be appearing at the L.A. Comedy Shorts Festival, according to a bunch of web sites, such as this one. Sounds like it could be fun! It starts tomorrow, and runs for a couple days; a full pass to all the events is $100. According to indie Wire, Carolla is the host of the event, and Bobcat Goldthwait will be presented with an award by Tom Kenny, a.k.a. the voice of SpongeBob.

- Since Dana Gould is a fan of random Hitler trivia, I found some for the blog today: he loved to read and owned more than 16,000 books. Sure, most of them were racist propaganda, but hey, we can't judge.

- Frequent Carolla guest Joel McHale killed at a recent performance in Minnesota. There is also a good picture gallery at that link.

- In some lab tests involving monkeys, it seems like a new vaginal gel could help prevent the spread of HIV. To be honest though, Adam would stop reading that sentence once he got to "vaginal gel."

- Somewhat late, but this dude gave a nice shout-out to Carolla in his post last week. Also nice to see a dozen or so comments on the entry.

- In the "so fucked up it HAS to be Florida" category, I give you the curious case of Donnie Hendrix. The story takes place in Miami, and the first paragraph says it all: Donnie was sick of waiting. Dolled-up like a Southern beauty queen, she wore Barbie-blond hair and a pink collagen pout as she sat in the parking lot of a Miramar condo. The five-foot-ten 32-year-old eyed the clock from the passenger seat of a rented green Chevy van just after 7 p.m. March 20, 2001. With her pert double-D breasts and slow, saccharine drawl, she could have passed for a South Florida trophy wife — if she hadn't been born with a penis.

- But hey, what would one of these posts be without some REAL stripper news? Click here for news about Kanye West and his new stripper girlfriend, who sounds so hideous I'm glad a photo isn't included. A former male stripper is charged with 23 offenses against 14 women from Oct. 2006 to February 2008; he allegedly lured the women into the back of his cab by claiming that he had just won the lottery, and then "celebrated" with them by using tainted champagne. (I'm just shocked that was in a London paper and not Florida.) Here is a detailed question and answer between a reporter and a longtime striptease expert. And hey, Britney Spears is on tour!

There should be a new podcast later tonight, although I'm not sure if we'll blog about it right away, or more delayed like today's Dana Gould post.

Dana Gould! GOT to get it on! No choice but to!

Dana Gould, the master of Hitler trivia, being afraid of animals and sexual rumors.

Adam starts off the podcast controversially, by stating that after watching Robert De Niro on Jimmy Fallon's show, he wonders if De Niro is just dumb. He points out that plenty of athletes have an immense gift on the field, but that's where it all ends. Dana Gould, tonight's guest, points out that plenty of people are like that. For example, Hitler loved dogs! If you needed someone to watch your dogs for the weekend, then Hitler would have no problem taking care of Waffles.

Surprisingly, Adam has been to many museums, such as the Liberace museum and the bunny museum, which is also shockingly about the animal and not Playboy. Somehow, this segues into Dana pointing out that for some reason, if a chimpanzee is threatened, first it breaks your jaw, and then it destroys your genitals. Chimps are very afraid of being raped, apparently. Dana says chimps attack for the same reason that old people do - they're very cranky about being in a diaper. This violent chimp story was in the news lately.

Adam and Dana both confirm that animal trainers are often much, mucher scarier than the animals they're keeping track of. I'm reminded of the scene in Semi-Pro (NSFW), with the bear wrangler. A police dog was once attacking Adam for a Man Show skit, and Adam asked the trainer what kind of fail safes were in place. The trainer's response was that there was no off-switch on the killing machine.

For some reason, Adam and Dana both have stories about snakes. Dana was in Austin, Texas, and they had some rattlesnake wrestlers at a radio spot, and Dana hates snakes. Meanwhile, the trainers... If Dana had been doing a remake of Deliverance, he would have had to tell them, "Sorry, that's a little over the top."

Dana adds that Siegfried and Roy are back (actually, final show March 1), so ladies hide your daughters! Adam loves watching old news footage, and hearing about how Liberace and Charles Nelson Reilly and Paul Lynde were all eligible bachelors. Apparently, guy's sucking each others' cocks (Adam's words, roughly) wasn't around back then.

Dana wonders how nobody noticed that "Jailhouse Rock" was about prison sodomy. Adam points out that the end of "Start Me Up" by the Rolling Stones includes the lyrics "you make a dead man cum," whereas on Jimmy Kimmel Live he got bleeped for saying bejesus once. When he was a kid, Dana had to debate his friends about oral sex, why people got it, and Dana was insistent that that was how retarded children were made. Adam re-tells the story about his grandma asking at the dinner table about rim jobs.

This sparks a frank, open discussion about sexual practices. Adam knows there are no women who masturbate while thinking about men masturbating, while the opposite (men whacking it to thinking about women touching themselves) is enough for 99 percent of guys. (I just finished up typing that, actually.) With the Internet now (NSFW), Adam says there is less need to spread out 15 different porn magazines to wank to; Dana calls that the Amsterdam rainbow.

Other topics for discussion: How people who love animals don't have love left over for humans, Joel's foggy night at Liberace's house, Adam yelling at The Weaz six times to turn the mics up, Oprah and Molly and Lynette and snake bites, kerchief math, the invention of the rim job, unfortunate masturbation timing, the spread of sexual rumors (Rod Stewart having his stomach pumped of cum) before the Internet, the pregnant dude and O.J. Simpson. Last week's Dave Dameshek podcast got more than 500,000 downloads. Adam wants everyone to keep spreading the news, so that we can all create our own little pirate ship. Tomorrow's (today's?) guest should be Leo Laporte, but Ace didn't announce it.